Don’t miss the LIVE RACE FOOTAGE starting around 5:40! (and the sound effects are pretty great too…)
Johnny Atom here! Standing in the pastoral fields of Widow’s Peak overlooking the holding pens where some of the finest, and largest, specimens of snail-kind are shuffling their pseudopods in excitement to take off!
For those of you listening at home, I would like you to close your eyes and imagine the scene. Gleaming gastropods in every direction, each with their teams of drivers, feeders, medical support staff and guards, ready to brave the wastes in pursuit of the prestigious San Saba cup, and potentially, the Pentacle Crown!
This long-distance race is the first of its kind to be attempted in the San Saba, and while some of the elders of this Quiet Folk community are shaking their heads at the ruckus, I must say, some of these young people seem very keen indeed to get out and see the world atop the back of their shelled charges!
In a few minutes, the starting pistol will fire, and the first leg will begin! Each leg of this race awards its own trophy. Our team of titanic terrestrial mollusks will ooze their way around the San Saba Territories, from Widow’s Peak, to Waking, to Prudence Penitentiary, to the Clutch, then Essex, finally crossing the finish line in the town of Bravado! The racing team who comes in first in the most legs of the race will be awarded the shiny San Saba Cup. Should a single snail manage to sweep all five legs, (deeply ironic as they have no legs of their own), then we might even see someone walk away with the Pentacle Crown!
Today begins the Longwalker Derby, the first leg of the Cup where our friends will glide their way from Widow’s Peak to the shining city of Waking to the northeast. Did you know that a properly fueled snail can move up to 10 miles a day? I didn’t! Did you know that many snails are carnivorous? I did. Found that out the hard way… let’s just say a racing snail is a hungry snail… anyways! some of these contenders look like they might just set some new records!
And now, let’s introduce the teams competing in this leg of the race!
First up we have SNAILLOW HOPE, sponsored by the Fallow Hope of Bravado! This handsome fellow is painted with the Fallow Hope symbol on his army drab shell, and I gotta say, that paint job is handsome! It’s a bit far to pick it up, but there are quite a few well-armed folks in Snaillow Hope’s pen, chanting “Snaillow, snaillow, snaillow. Here comes the Fallow!” and I heard they even gave their snail a proper Fallow Hopes baptism to ensure that, should they encounter any hellfire in the course of this race, he will be properly protected!
Next on the starting line, with a fetching bright red shell painted with a white Ram’s silhouette is JUBMO SLUSSY. Fun fact, snails don’t have horns, those things on top of their heads are tentacles that provide sensory information! I am sure Jubmo can hear the chanting of their team “Ram… Guard! Ram… Guard! Ram… Guard! RAMGUARD!” I certainly can!
Moving down the line we have THUNDER TAI- er….. DOUBLE T! Sponsored by the Shields of the Lonestar and wearing a star emblazoned on its blue shell, this energetic specimen seems to be doing a last minute feeding on some infectious material. I can’t believe they eat that stuff, but apparently herds of giant snails have been known to take down zed, and even raiders when hungry. Their fans are chanting “OooooOOOOOoooo Thunder!” but if I have to watch this thing eat in front of me I might have to change that to “Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh Thunder!” That’s a LOT of teeth and slurping!
Moving along before I lose my lunch, we have a snail so emblazoned in corporate sponsorship that you can barely see its shell! Ms. Felicity Redfield may have lost some of her infection, but she certainly hasn’t lost access to her pocketbook! Either way, SLIM MARGINS looks ready to zoom to the profit… er finish line with a flush of speed! You can almost hear the investors chanting “Return on Investment!” in its wake.
Next up is a rather sinister looking snail, draped in black bunting. This is the hometown hero, the Lovelace Family’s very own champion who has been sweeping local races for the last few weeks. The WIDOWMAKER is fed solely on a diet of rare herbs and raw murdergoatdeer meat. Absolutely the betting favorite behind the barn, Widowmaker is set to make his owners a pile of brass, and even more in stud fees in the next breeding season! I asked some of the local Lovelace race attendees if there was a cheer for Widowmaker but they just stared at me… quietly… terrifying!
Finally we have… oh my gutmother is that an ENGINE strapped onto that snail? That is. Vados and Gentleman there is a full mastercrafted V8 engine and a massive rifle mounted onto this mollusk! There’s only one crew this snail could be sponsored by… yes… it’s TURBO SNAIL. I understand this snail has been baptized with the music of the road and if the giant 6 painted on its side is any indication, it can probably break most landspeed records. As the Road Royals say, “Turbo Snail is the best, Turbo Snail can beat the rest!”
Well and now we’re getting down to it, the race is about to begin! Looks like the Town Council of Widow’s Peak will be doing the honors here… Immacula stepping to the starting line as the snails slime their way into position. Gotta say, I’m glad it’s her holding that pistol and not Clauthia Lovelace to her right, I start sweating any time I see one of those veiled folks holding a weapon… and…
SHOT FIRES
They’re off!....
…
Our front runners are about 3 feet from the starting line now and based on the side-eye some of those jockeys are giving each other it looks to be a real tense race!
…
It’s really heating up out there folks… Slim Margins has made some tentacle gestures at Widowmaker that, ( I don’t speak snail), but which seem to be offensive. The jockey riding Double T just took out a picnic basket and seems to be settling in for a pleasant lunch up there. I’ll.. uh… report back when they get a little closer to Waking…
Johnny Atom, signing off!